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Monday, October 31, 2005
This has nothing to do with Halloween but everything to do with making me giggle (and clean out my favorite places folder):
Happy Halloween, the best time of the year! Here is a picture of Batshit Crazy Joan Crawford, as interpreted by lengli:  She made her appearance Saturday night, but she may also come out again tonight at a party downtown where, coincidentally, the beautiful Hedwig and her Angry Inch will be performing. A tranny and a gay icon in the same room, could the night get any better? To continue with the celebration, I totally copped out on lesson planning for my French class today and made them watch one of the Halloween episodes of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" - but in French. I love that these poor kids have to put up with my whims - fortunately for them, they seem not to mind too much that their teacher is mental. Soon enough, if my will truly runs rampant, I'll be having them translate Tenacious D's "Tribute" into French. 
Ok, I'm off now to change my shirt because it smells like the closet, yuck! Soooo glad I'm moving into a new apartment downtown tomorrow and I will no longer have to deal with the personal shame of mothbally closets.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Ughhhh. Believe it or not, tonight I had my second accident in five months that was not my fault. I got out of my evening class and schlepped across the parking lot in the ridiculous noreaster we're enjoying thanks to apocalyptic weather (hey, it could be worse, at least we didn't get snow where I live). When I got inside my car, I noticed a plastic bag with paper inside tucked underneath my windshield wiper blade. Thinking it was a note from one of my TA friends, I grabbed it and opened up to find someone had written that they hit my car. I contemplated banging my head against the steering wheel and just stoically driving home without looking at the damage because, well, this is getting routine - I should just have my insurance agent's home phone number preprogrammed into my cell phone number. But I willed myself to get out of the car. Lo and behold, the damage is in the same spot as last time - go figure - only thankfully, exponentially less extensive. Like, I probably wouldn't have noticed this for quite some time because things aren't so much dented as they are out of place. Basically, if you see this old photo of my first accident, the joint/seam/whatever the hell it's called that leads into the wheel casing is out of place so the bottom part is sticking out farther than it should. My car is completely driveable though, happily, so it's not like it's a matter of pressing importance that I need to have it fixed ASAP. Anyway, compared to my other incident, this was an absolute dream. The girl left me her name and phone number so I called her up to exchange insurance information. It sounded like it was her first accident, so I tried to be gentle with her, haha. She was so nice and so apologetic that I actually had to "scold" her and tell her that, should anything like this ever happen again, never to say that she's sorry because some awful soul can use that against you in court since you've technically admitted fault. And she thanked me for that piece of advice! Huzzah, am brilliant veteran of car wrecks imparting my wisdom to others less fortunate than I. Or something. But man, I'm starting to become convinced that my car has bad karma (or "car"-ma, ha!) or has magnetic properties or something, because honestly, twice in the same spot? In less than six months? That's pretty weird. I probably should have gone for the hooker red version so it would stand out more in cloudy weather, but hey, lesson learned, I suppose.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Because Mondays are officially the worst day of my week, thanks to bureaucratic meetings and crappy migraine-inducing weather (I think every Monday this semester, how is that possible??), I am in a mood conducive to bitching about things that piss me off. To the woman who walks behind me from the parking lot to the second floor of Humanities: please stop walking exactly two paces behind me and just frigging pass me. I do not feel like rushing my textbook-laden ass up two flights of stairs at 8 in the morning just because you have a brisk pace. I have only had about four hours of sleep and am so not in the mood. Also? STOP HUMMING YOUR HAPPY TUNE. Have you ever heard people humming to themselves out in public? They just look straight-up crazy, don't they? Newsreel, Ethel Merman, SO DO YOU. This is the second time this has happened, so next time Ima turn right around and bitchslap your ass. To the guys who work at the Cingular kiosk at the mall (and solicitors at the mall in general - clipboard people, I am looking at YOU): don't even fucking try it. Don't you notice how actively I am avoiding your eye contact? There is no way Perfuman's window display could possibly be this interesting, so get the hint: I don't want your shit. Don't beckon to me from across the hallway, don't call me "Miss", don't ask to see my cell phone. Have you seen my phone? It is BEDAZZLED and it plays "The Goonies R Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper. Like hell I'm going to give that up. I am only walking by your stupid kiosk because I am a teacher looking for blank cassette tapes so I can record my students speaking French and Best Buy miraculously no longer sells cassettes so I have to go to FYE. Oh, and also? Harassing me once is bad enough. When I walk back by your kiosk on my way to my car, tell the new guy on shift that you have already bothered me enough for one day and leave me the hell alone. Also, to people in general: if you're talking to me and we're in a group of four or larger, chances are, I will get quiet because I get shy and tend not to dominate the conversation. When you notice that I'm not saying much, don't assume that either I don't understand what you're saying (*ahem* Frenchies) or that I don't care and instead talk exclusively to the other two people. Just because I'm not contributing as actively as they doesn't mean I'm stupid or disinterested, and your assuming this will only serve to piss me off and/or hurt my feelings, which makes me speak even less. To everyone else: I got nothin' against you. Keep it up.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Jen: i just scrolled further down on this web page and discovered a sweet ham and cheese sub! damn! i should have ordered that beaute!!! Jen: asphyxiation city!!! For a mere $39.50, it could have been hers. Just imagine it. Naturally, this site is a veritable fountain of priceless priceless items. Follow the links to see the cornucopia of delight.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
I know there are some Buffy fanatics out there who will appreciate these, found at Curse of the Zombie Pumpkins:
Now, it's not nearly often enough on this blog (I feel anyway) that I poke fun at James Marsters because, well, since the show went off the air and his crappy band broke up, my glimpses of him are few and far between. But look at this! He's here on a pumpkin! I could have James Marsters' face sitting on my front stoop!! I really don't know how I could resist this except for the fact that you have to pay for the pattern (unless I find a crafty and bootleg way to print it out anyway). I think if I were to carve a J.M. pumpkin, I would make it into a scarecrow and dress it in black polar fleece and play "Valerie" on a nearby ghetto blaster (PS - check out that site because you may be able to get Ghost of the Robot ringtones, squeee!). The second pumpkin I mainly wanted to post because one of the most frequent "you look like..." comments I get involves Sarah Michelle Gellar...so I basically just wanted to say, "Hey! My face is on a pumpkin, how did that happen??" To end this post, please allow Thom Yorke of Radiohead and film legend Jack Nicholson to say a few words:
"Oh Lauren, you're so lucky to be on such a wonderful pumpkin. I feel I look like such a creep on mine. I guess it's true, women and children get first pick of the finest pumpkins."
"Stuff it, Yorke!"
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Ok Internets, I need your help. I have been invited to a Dead Celebrities Halloween party, so of course the burning question is: who should I be? Cast your votes in the comments below.  Batshit Crazy Joan Crawford - you better call her Mommie Dearest, bitches. OR  Tripped-out Judy Garland (now with more barbiturates!) My idea for Judy Garland would basically be a Dorothy costume that is totally wrecked - I don't know, perhaps vomit-stained - some horrifying eye makeup, and a basket full of prescription pills. Joan is all about the amazing eyebrows, the wire hangers, a family fun-sized bottle of vodka, and a container of bathroom cleanser. Please help me Internets, you're my only hope!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
I found this meme on Petit Hiboux. You put your iPod or whatever Random Music Player on shuffle and use the first 13 songs to answer the following questions. Ooh, I feel like I'm in middle school again, and I like it! 1. What do you think of me, Random Music Player? The Perishers - Trouble Sleeping Wow, apparently my iPod and I are involved in some sort of tragic romance. Why didn't you tell me, iPod? 2. Will I have a happy life? The Postal Service - Recycled Air I'm getting the impression that I will see my life through the eyes of a newborn babe. Hopefully this does not indicate that this will be the result a traumatic brain injury leaving me a vegetable in a perpetual state of childlike wonder. 3. What do my friends really think of me? The Decemberists - Sixteen Military Wives Huh? Friends, maybe you could clue me in on this interpretation please. 4. What does my S.O. think of me? Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Refugee Oy. I think it's a bit of a reach. 5. Do people secretly lust after me? Blur - Coffee and TV Well maybe people don't secretly lust after me, but Damon Albarn does. I'll take it! 6. How can I make myself happy? Joseph Arthur - You've Been Loved So I can make myself happy by mooning about and feeling sorry for myself because hey, I've been loved. That doesn't seem very ambitious. 7. What should I do with my life? Jon Brion - A Dream Upon Waking Hey, this is an instrumental!! This must be like when the Magic 8 Ball says "Outlook Hazy, Try Again". Infuriating! 8. Why must life be so full of pain? The Postal Service - Against All Odds Life is so full of pain because life is a Phil Collins cover, isn't it obvious? 9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex? Wolfstone - The Prophet With lyrics like this: I saw a raven, plumage paleI have a feeling that this is telling me to join the SCA and explore fetishes involving historical reenactments...hmph. 10. Can you give me some advice? St. Germain - Alabanma Blues Unfortunately, I can't understand what the singers are saying and I can't find the lyrics, so I fall victim to yet another "Outlook Hazy: Try Again" outcome. Blast you, iPod! 11. What do you think happiness is? Keane - Everybody's Changing So apparently the secret to happiness is to have a raging case of social anxiety disorder. Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn't it? 12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days? Alison Krauss - Broadway lengli: STAY HOME. ♥, iPod 13. Will I die happy? Stars - Sleep Tonight Hooray, at least we ended on a high note. My death sounds rather erotic, doesn't it? Neighbourhoods will try to dreamMaybe I'll die a syphilitic prostitute. Could be worse.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Finally, our snacks were made and we cashed out, ready to find our table and begin our feast. Kenny was first to try the tea.
He immediately made a face. "...I'll let you be the judge," was all he could manage to say. Slightly nervous now, I (who had now somehow morphed into Haylie Duff, über-chin and all) sipped the tea with trepidation.
I immediately regretted it.  Somehow, this dainty, refreshing tea had morphed into a milky-tasting bottle of swill. "How can that taste so bad?" we cried, cringing at our misadventure. "How does it manage to feel like milk in your mouth?" I whined, marvelling at this anti-miracle of nature.  "Kenny, please take this off my hands!" I begged as he instantaneously recoiled. "My God, are you trying to kill me?" We didn't know what to do. We had spent almost two of my hard-earned dollars on this monstrosity, and all for naught. "We are NEVER going back to that corner of the market AGAIN!" Kenny fumed. "They should put a black shroud over it and mark it 'For Asians Only'."
I have a dream, and the dream is of a world where all tea should taste as good as it sounds. I have a dream.... To witness the whole adventure sans narration, check it out here.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
It's Gothtober time yet again (albeit a few days late, apologies), hooray for Halloween, the best holiday of them all! Some more Halloween links? Why didn't you say so!
 And as always, don't forget to beware ye wiles of Satan. He's tricky like that.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
 This was taken from Ananova.com and is a few days old, but Kenny and I were about shitting our pants laughing over Tara Reid's boob "popping out and shooting Gandhi". What would that actually look like? Do I smell a photoshop project? Anyway, please enjoy as much as we did. TARA: 'AS IF MY BOOB SHOT GANDHI'
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